My Charlie died last week.
It had to be one of the worst and most painful moments of my life, watching my sweet boy take his last breath in my arms, and feeling helpless and powerless to do anything, other than to watch him go. The only thing that was worse than that was enduring the pain of digging his grave and then laying my baby in the cold earth, knowing its the last time I'd hold him so close.
Its been a week now. I wish it was months already. His memories seem to be in every part of the house. I see him on the dining table, my computer, my bed, the toilets, the couch. His bowl's still in the kitchen, all the packets of his cat food and cat biscuits in their containers. The pails in the bathroom are still filled with water, because he used to refuse to drink from his bowl, and only drank from the pails. I found his fur on my car-seats today.
One of the worst thing about death is probably the suddeness of the whole thing. The person goes away, but you're still left behind trying to get used to the whole thing. But its so weird because, you know they're gone, but at every point, you find yourself looking for them. And an instant later, the whole thing comes back to you. I do that the whole day. I wake up and think, 'Gotta feed Charlie', or I park outside my house and actually wait a heartbeat for Charlie to come greet me. Before I go to bed, I think 'Better bring him in'. Yesterday evening, I almost yelled his name coz it was time for his food. And then immediately, even before I finish the thought about feeding Charlie, I remember that he's dead. Those are some of the hardest moments of the day.
In times like this, when your beloved and treassured pet has died, and when you're in pain because you're missing him, one of the most cruelest and horrible thing another person can say to you would be, 'Oh, its just a cat.' Wow. My boy has become 'just a cat'. That's like telling someone not to cry over a lost pencil, or a cancelled TV show. 'Its just a pencil. No big deal, get a new one.' Charlie might be just another animal to you, but to me, he was much much more than that. He was my love.
If he were 'just a cat', would I be writing here about him? Would I be in so much pain after losing him? Would I hurt each time I looked at his grave? Charlie was never 'just a cat'. He was my joy. He made me laugh with his nonsense, like each time when he tried to chase after a bird, or when he stood staring at a fly for hours, hoping he'll catch it. Or when he'd try to get his huge fat tummy through the grill door and rattle the whole thing.
Charlie was my companion. He waited in my room every morning until I woke up and got dressed and then he'd come downstairs with me. He'd come running out to my car to greet me and to jump in each time I came home, and then lie on his back so that I could rub his tummy. He'd go look for me all over the house if I was gone for a few days. He'd climb into my bed every night, and sleep next to my pillow right until morning.
Charlie was my friend. He listened too all my rantings and ravings with sleepy eyes. He'd jump right on any test papers I was marking so that I could pet him. He's sit on my computer table each time I was using the PC. He'd sneakily try to cheat me into feeding him twice. He'd stand in front of the fridge as soon as anyone opened it and try to run off with the packet of ikan bilis. He'd try to grab chicken or fish from my plate when I wasn't looking. He'd poke his head through every plastic bag that contained something new that was bought, just in case there was something in there for him. He's cover his eyes with his paws if I drew the curtains every morning and let the sunlight in while he was still asleep.
Charlie was my annoyance. He'd find a way to sit in my laps just as I'd be getting all comfy with a good book so that I could pay more attention to him instead. He'd bite my hand, feet, leg, shoulder if I didn't give him his food on time. He's try to jump on my threadmill each time I worked out on it. He'd get all his paws wet each time I washed and cleaned the porch by walking through the water and into the house. He'd yell and cry and create a ruckus each time I gave him a bath, and then sulk for a couple of hours after that. He'd make me worry sick about him if he wasn't home on time. He'd make me interfere in all his fights with the neighbouring cats and then carry him back home. He'd make me wake up in the middle of the night to open the door to let him out if he really had to 'go'.
Charlie was my saviour. He helped me get over Shindu's death, he kept me company while Ash was gone, he meowed gently in the night whenever I woke up because of nightmares, he sat with me quietly whenever I got sad, he waited outside the bathroom while I was inside. And he just brought so much of love to the house each time he walked in. He brought a smile on my face each time I saw him.
I brought Charlie home from SPCA because I wanted a chance to love him. He was a rescued cat. That means he was rescued from an abusive environment. I wanted to show him how special he was and how much I needed him. His sad sad eyes stole my heart, and I have loved him so very very much ever since the day I first saw him and took him home. The amazing thing with animals is that you realise they don't need you, but that you need them so much more. They love you unconditionally. They're God's only creations that can love unconditionally. People have too much evil in them and are too selfish to ever manage to do that.
I want Charlie back. I don't care if he's in a better place now, I just want him here. I don't care if God thinks he needs Charlie more, I just want him back.
So you see, my beautiful and precious boy, my darling Charlie, my little bundle of happiness , he was so much much more than 'just a cat'. He was everything to me. If you can't sympatise with me, then don't insult my precious boy by reducing him to nothing. He was never nothing. He was everything. And he means more to me than any of you do.
And death is death. No law says than a human's death is a greater loss than an animal's. Its probably the other way around. Its the love you felt for the one who had died that matters. The pain and agony is there because you loved them, and now they're gone. That's how it is when a person dies, and its the exact same pain, same agony and same grief when your beloved cat dies.
It had to be one of the worst and most painful moments of my life, watching my sweet boy take his last breath in my arms, and feeling helpless and powerless to do anything, other than to watch him go. The only thing that was worse than that was enduring the pain of digging his grave and then laying my baby in the cold earth, knowing its the last time I'd hold him so close.
Its been a week now. I wish it was months already. His memories seem to be in every part of the house. I see him on the dining table, my computer, my bed, the toilets, the couch. His bowl's still in the kitchen, all the packets of his cat food and cat biscuits in their containers. The pails in the bathroom are still filled with water, because he used to refuse to drink from his bowl, and only drank from the pails. I found his fur on my car-seats today.
One of the worst thing about death is probably the suddeness of the whole thing. The person goes away, but you're still left behind trying to get used to the whole thing. But its so weird because, you know they're gone, but at every point, you find yourself looking for them. And an instant later, the whole thing comes back to you. I do that the whole day. I wake up and think, 'Gotta feed Charlie', or I park outside my house and actually wait a heartbeat for Charlie to come greet me. Before I go to bed, I think 'Better bring him in'. Yesterday evening, I almost yelled his name coz it was time for his food. And then immediately, even before I finish the thought about feeding Charlie, I remember that he's dead. Those are some of the hardest moments of the day.
In times like this, when your beloved and treassured pet has died, and when you're in pain because you're missing him, one of the most cruelest and horrible thing another person can say to you would be, 'Oh, its just a cat.' Wow. My boy has become 'just a cat'. That's like telling someone not to cry over a lost pencil, or a cancelled TV show. 'Its just a pencil. No big deal, get a new one.' Charlie might be just another animal to you, but to me, he was much much more than that. He was my love.
If he were 'just a cat', would I be writing here about him? Would I be in so much pain after losing him? Would I hurt each time I looked at his grave? Charlie was never 'just a cat'. He was my joy. He made me laugh with his nonsense, like each time when he tried to chase after a bird, or when he stood staring at a fly for hours, hoping he'll catch it. Or when he'd try to get his huge fat tummy through the grill door and rattle the whole thing.
Charlie was my companion. He waited in my room every morning until I woke up and got dressed and then he'd come downstairs with me. He'd come running out to my car to greet me and to jump in each time I came home, and then lie on his back so that I could rub his tummy. He'd go look for me all over the house if I was gone for a few days. He'd climb into my bed every night, and sleep next to my pillow right until morning.
Charlie was my friend. He listened too all my rantings and ravings with sleepy eyes. He'd jump right on any test papers I was marking so that I could pet him. He's sit on my computer table each time I was using the PC. He'd sneakily try to cheat me into feeding him twice. He'd stand in front of the fridge as soon as anyone opened it and try to run off with the packet of ikan bilis. He'd try to grab chicken or fish from my plate when I wasn't looking. He'd poke his head through every plastic bag that contained something new that was bought, just in case there was something in there for him. He's cover his eyes with his paws if I drew the curtains every morning and let the sunlight in while he was still asleep.
Charlie was my annoyance. He'd find a way to sit in my laps just as I'd be getting all comfy with a good book so that I could pay more attention to him instead. He'd bite my hand, feet, leg, shoulder if I didn't give him his food on time. He's try to jump on my threadmill each time I worked out on it. He'd get all his paws wet each time I washed and cleaned the porch by walking through the water and into the house. He'd yell and cry and create a ruckus each time I gave him a bath, and then sulk for a couple of hours after that. He'd make me worry sick about him if he wasn't home on time. He'd make me interfere in all his fights with the neighbouring cats and then carry him back home. He'd make me wake up in the middle of the night to open the door to let him out if he really had to 'go'.
Charlie was my saviour. He helped me get over Shindu's death, he kept me company while Ash was gone, he meowed gently in the night whenever I woke up because of nightmares, he sat with me quietly whenever I got sad, he waited outside the bathroom while I was inside. And he just brought so much of love to the house each time he walked in. He brought a smile on my face each time I saw him.
I brought Charlie home from SPCA because I wanted a chance to love him. He was a rescued cat. That means he was rescued from an abusive environment. I wanted to show him how special he was and how much I needed him. His sad sad eyes stole my heart, and I have loved him so very very much ever since the day I first saw him and took him home. The amazing thing with animals is that you realise they don't need you, but that you need them so much more. They love you unconditionally. They're God's only creations that can love unconditionally. People have too much evil in them and are too selfish to ever manage to do that.
I want Charlie back. I don't care if he's in a better place now, I just want him here. I don't care if God thinks he needs Charlie more, I just want him back.
So you see, my beautiful and precious boy, my darling Charlie, my little bundle of happiness , he was so much much more than 'just a cat'. He was everything to me. If you can't sympatise with me, then don't insult my precious boy by reducing him to nothing. He was never nothing. He was everything. And he means more to me than any of you do.
And death is death. No law says than a human's death is a greater loss than an animal's. Its probably the other way around. Its the love you felt for the one who had died that matters. The pain and agony is there because you loved them, and now they're gone. That's how it is when a person dies, and its the exact same pain, same agony and same grief when your beloved cat dies.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond that glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I did not die.
Rest In Peace, Charlie Love.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond that glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I did not die.
Rest In Peace, Charlie Love.
No comments:
Post a Comment